5 Keys Framework – Missing and Not Knowing

This simple 5 Keys Framework is for those suffering the pain of ‘not knowing’ what has happened to your loved-one.

Designed for you, your family and your friends. For those suffering from the ‘not knowing’ what has happened to your:

• loved one
• family member
• friend
• work colleague
• team mate
• school friend
• someone in the media
• anyone
• If someone you love, and/ or know, has gone missing, and although some even if time has gone by, and you still don’t not know what happened it can be a constant pain anguish. It That feeling can become a deep personal agony, a private horror.

Even after all this time, there’s been no more news. No ‘closure’.

But, you still have to feed children and do school runs, go shopping, be at work, attend events, keep your job, maintain your household, your relationships, go through all the day to day functions of simply existing in the world … bills, responsibilities, financial security … and the rest … even celebrations.

After a while, something happens … with no more news or information … people around you stop asking or mentioning your loved-one, the missing person.

When they do ask, they don’t know what to say, and you are tired/embarrassed/sick of/over/fed-up with having to explain that there’s

… still no news …

5 Keys Framework – Why?

It’s natural for our brain to try and make sense of unfamiliar situations, much like the way we view art.

Our brain tries to make sense of what it experiences and learns

In the case of a missing person, we remain in a state of ‘not knowing’ until we can complete the puzzle, or our missing loved-one is found

This simple 5 Keys Framework aims to provide you with a GOOD EXPERIENCE.

A one-off visit, or an on-going development, when you feel ready, there’s support here. Read as much or as little as you like, at your own pace.

Key One | Warming back up, moving forward

In the initial stages of the loss of a loved-one we can become overwhelmed by feelings about how to approach the disappearance.

Essentially, when our loved one has been missing for over 6 months, and then for over 12 months, we, and our family, and friends start needing, and wanting, to move forward. This is quite distinct from moving on.

In ‘moving forward’ we can keep all our precious memories and continue to hope that our loved-one will be returned.

We know we’re not prepared to give up hope until we have seen concrete evidence. Yet we strive to keep moving forward … warming up after feeling ‘numb’.

At different times throughout the moving forward journey there are periods when you and your family and friends are plunged back into crisis.

A crisis might be triggered by:

• A possible sighting of your loved-one
• The location of remains near where your loved one was last seen
• A missing person being located in extraordinary circumstances
• Anniversaries, birthdays and special occasions …

Warming up and then moving forward starts being explored when you share what has been helpful for you and your family, with other families and friends. Everything that has worked helps, even the smallest positive progress.

Key One | Stories …

Give yourself a break …

That ‘numb’ feeling is caused by an external factor, because someone is missing, not because of any personal internal weakness. You are not weak.

You are amazing.

There’s no right answer.

Whatever anyone believes has happened, our loved-one is still missing.

Therefore, we need to keep our own health and positive energy, in preparation for their return, whenever that may be … if ever …

Communicating with honesty and kindness about your thoughts at family gatherings where your family and friends can generate a discussion about sharing what the loss has meant for you has been very healing for many families.

Key Two | Remembering, acknowledging, and celebrating the journey

Hope can become dependent on how the investigation is going and the impact of time.Families are free to change their ideas about hope.

The more time that passes after a person has disappeared, the more our priorities change, particularly for many parents of missing children.

One way of assessing a forward change is by gauging how well you survive birthdays, anniversaries, deaths, marriages, new additions to the family, etc.

Family members of missing persons have spoken about revising the concepts of hope along their journey.

For as long as our loved-one, or friend, remains missing, there will always remain a glimmer of hope.

That’s a given.

… And so life goes …

Key Two | Recommendations

By sharing your desire to move forward completely, in depth, and in detail, with your own loved-ones will generate ideas about how your missing loved-one can be celebrated.

Below are a few simple celebrations others have tried:

• ‘Drop-in picnics’: Invite people over to share special memories of your missing loved-one
• Create and decorate an altar: Give your missing loved-one a prominent position in your home
• Make a photographic collage: Of the relationship between your family, your friends and your missing loved-one
• Relax together: share a drink of your missing loved-one’s favourite drink, or food

Sharing our feelings thoughts and desires generates a multitude of celebrations that help us feel closer to our missing loved-one.

Key Three | Working out what has happened, and what may come

When someone you know or love is missing, you can feel alienated by the community, as there is no ‘proper’ way to acknowledge the ‘not knowing’.

When someone dies there’s a funeral, cremation or burial, as well as an opportunity to express the emotions we feel that are triggered by our loss.

Death is associated with grief. Missing is associated with trauma.

These are two different experiences because the rituals of death are talking about rituals of finality.

There is no finality when someone is still missing, therefore exploring imaginative ways of creating rituals specific to your family’s experience offers your family and friends the chance to celebrate the life of your loved-one, so far.

However, families can feel afraid to hold remembrance services for fear that this may suggest your family has given up hope.

Celebrating your loved one with a remembrance service is about hope, life and connecting, not giving up …

A sister of a man who went missing after a holiday in The Balkans spoke about the different way she coped with the disappearance of her brother compared to the death of her father.

By exploring the optimal outcomes, as well as the dark possibilities of what may have happened, we create a sense of openness about the progress we experience.

Key Three | Timeline

Traumatic memory is described as a series of still snapshots,

Or a silent movie …

It has been helpful for families to build a timeline into a story of emotion as well as provide practical content to give depth and perspective to your experience without it being just an external retelling of events.

Developing this story helps address other stressors your family may have experienced, leading up to, or separate from, the experience of having your loved-one or friend go missing.

Looking to the future also helps families with the ‘not knowing’, as they may be able to predict ways to cope, if your loss remains unresolved.

For many families the disappearance of a loved-one came at the end of a significant period of stress and trauma.

This Timeline can also assist in uncovering some of the emotion such as shame and guilt involved in being in a family of a missing person.

In exploring past trauma, your family can continue to survive the not knowing through the building of coping strategies. These strategies support you ability to deal with stress and still find hope and meaning in your own life.

The goal here is for you and your family, and friends, to be able to live with the unresolved loss whilst living the rest of their own life.

Key Four | Making a Special Place

Yes, it’s challenging to speak honestly about the ‘not knowing’ for fear of something you say being misunderstood or downplayed. That’s why we need to find a protected place where we can freely express all the emotions locked inside. 

The best analogy is of finding a gate you can walk through, to re-join the community.

Some of us feel a sense of needing to be proactive and pioneering change within the missing persons sector itself. 

For others it’s about taking on new life challenges like jobs, relationships, moving interstate or traveling overseas.

You have permission.

Giving yourself and your family permission to move in and out of your despair gives power back when you are feeling overpowered by the ‘not knowing’.

Unfortunately, there is no magical process for families or friends to reach a place of acceptance where your missing loved-one may, or may not ever, return…

At around the six-month mark, our families are put in a position where we begin to contemplate the idea that we may never find out what has happened to our missing loved-one.

From this point on there are a number of strategies to assist families to continue to grow while you wait for the return of your loved-one.

Some families have shared how they have learned to live with their unresolved loss:

• On a larger scale, some families have chosen to become proactive within the missing persons sector through media, community awareness campaigns and their availability to tell their story
• Some have written books about their practical and emotional journey. Others are available to talk and meet with those in similar circumstances.
• Assisting in strengthening the links between the disappearance of a loved one and the factors that contribute to people going missing – mental health issues, child safety awareness, issues affecting young people, etc.
• Establishing foundations, Facebook pages or websites in the name of the missing person to raise awareness.

Key Five | Moving forward doesn’t have to mean ‘get over it’

It is important that our family members have an identity in addition to being a family member, or friend of a missing person.

Taking a break from feeling ‘stuck’, often years after the disappearance, provides a mechanism to help families move forward.

From an interpersonal level families have also found ways to cope by noting their emotional growth during their experience.

Some simple examples of noting emotional growth are:

Choosing to think of the missing person in a different way.

Families give themselves permission to take a break by not feeling that every hour of every day has to be completely focused on the missing person. Achieving this is a sign of growth.

Keeping a journal and then reflecting on thoughts and reactions each time a significant date comes up helps in the ability to move forward, though not necessarily to move on.

This cycle of responding to a crisis, to tolerance of the ‘not knowing’, to a trigger about the missing person, and then leading back to crisis, appears to happen over and over when a loved-one’s location stays unknown.

Families of missing persons are like any other group experiencing sudden and unexpected trauma. The difference is that there is no way to speak confidently about the details of a trauma when so much remains unknown.

Key Five | Purpose, resilience and hope

Adding to this, we are often the subject of intense publicity and speculation in an attempt to solve our missing loved-one’s disappearance.

The general community often struggles with the ambiguous nature of missing persons and feels there is a need to create a sense of closure for families.

Many living with the disappearance of a missing person need absolute proof before we’ll accept that our loss is permanent. Families may need to explore the ‘awfulness’ that comes with the possibility that someone might be dead.

When a long-term missing person is located deceased families begin a new process of coping and living with trauma. The finding of remains, or the confirmation of DNA testing, tells a family that their glimmer of hope has been snuffed out.

Only from this point on can the bereavement process begin, not before.

However for those families who have been waiting for so long, hearing of the death of their missing loved-one takes them to the hidden place they may have buried, as it was perhaps too painful or challenging to acknowledge.

Families of missing persons who want resolution do not want to be told that our loved-one is dead. These are two different issues to be explored and supported in a safe and accepting environment.

Many families have found that, depending on the circumstances of their loved-one’s disappearance they are far more accepting of their loss.

Acknowledgements

Many of the ideas presented within this framework have been used in counselling sessions by family and friends of a missing loved-one…

FFompa (the Charitable Trust) would like to acknowledge and offer a special thank you to all professionals and organisations that have contributed their expertise and support either on-line or face to face, especially:

• Ms Sarah Wayland formally of NSW fFOMPU
• Linda Simpson at the New Zealand Police Missing Persons Unit in Wellington, Rokez Investigations New Zealand, TVNZ
• Cameron Bennett, and the NSW Police FFMPU unit based in Sydney Australia

The 5 Keys Framework originally appeared on the fFompa (Family & Friends of Missing Persons Aotearoa) website. The site has long since closed, but we felt the information should continue to be shared, as it may help someone when they need it.